around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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