My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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