my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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