I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
