He uses pillows to masturbate.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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