I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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