Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
