Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
