Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
