She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
areolas are like halos for boobs.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
