I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
