we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
