My nipple is on Facebook.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
