I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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