I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
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