Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
