I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
