one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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