ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
