Cold hands, warm shart.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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