This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
