i need an iv and a liver transplant
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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