I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize