I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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