apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize