in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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