Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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