Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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