I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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