I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize