Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
