Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I just blew my weed a kiss
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
soo... how was my night?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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