i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
