She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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