Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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