someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
