I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
