So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
