i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
