I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
