i think i have two assholes
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
