Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
