The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
