having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
