What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
