if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
