She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
