i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
