'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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