i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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