While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
