I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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