I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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