He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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