just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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