i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
