Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize