Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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