I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
