...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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