I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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